By Appointment

In this first trimester of a new decade, I went into a sacred canyon, and across the world, followed an impulse that turned into a manifestation in the form of a new abode, and here I am. Here I am, coming home to humility, and deep gratitude and the freedom that can only be continually discovered inside. I am home. Home with the sweet girl in my life, who sometimes needs to be home for a spell to nourish her fragile system. After all this time, I still need to breathe into all of it. I need to resuscitate my soul and come back to that place of remembrance. There is no place in actualization that I must be. Home, my child(ren), my world is enough.

There I was on a bus, and then a train, with monsoon rains pouring in India, cows everywhere, and the teachings of home were right there with me. The spaces of edginess, and discomfort, and beauty, and how does this all come together was right in the center of my belly, and the fullness of my heart.

What is the courage I need to leap? Or is it to land? How do I take the enchantments of my sparkly ideas and just live them?

It all seems so simple and yet it is in that simplicity I can make myself into a tangled mess.

I have matured to a place that I no longer think that I must start my life over, however, I am well aware that a new chapter is a must. What is the most integral way to finish what is proceeding this moment, and turn to a bit of freshness?

What is in the pages are still very much in the story, but I would like to turn to another point of focus. After recognizing, and owning that insecurity has become a habit, I would prefer to attend to that which seems to come with grace, and feels more supported by the deities of bounty, and inspiration, rather than the ones that will chop my head (for good reason), and show me sustenance through austerities that can become too harsh.

Is this possible? The science of our brain proves that I can reroute my devotions, and so do the teachings of a spiritual world.

Ready, set, go.

A teenage practice of taking on the blame, the shame, the yuck of the world is something that I do.  I have a most beloved friend that has become a true pole-star of love and safety.  The wild loyalty we share that comes with decades of cultivation means that I can hear her truth-bombs without flinching too much.  Current necessary truth that is essential for growth – I have got to get out of my childhood anguish of making myself the culprit for all things imbalanced.  It is time to let myself be me, and feel all that I feel, and stop attempting to fix the world by making it all about my own failings.

The levity of that concept is so brilliant I can almost wear the new skin and march out of my house, now!  However the transmutation that comes with shedding, and evolution, and the period of dullness, and vulnerability before revivification is a work of organic art that is a process.

In these past three months, I wept at the majesty of Nature’s walls and now I get to apply her continual reshaping to my own greatness. I was ready to burst at the beauty of a stranger with a shaven head in a pastel sari walking along the train station platform in Kerala. Through the lens of my own psyche I can see that beauty with that same curiosity, and openness to all things, without making myself the exception. I believed it possible to say yes to a scenario that seemed out of reach.  How wise and skillful it would be if I continued to train in that believing.

How to become the creatress of this kind of living, without apology, nor restrained by fear? It is in the everyday doing and practicing that my craft of a new decade will start to become lustrous.

So uncomplicated, and so profound to keep etching away and adding on to the only me that I can possibly be.

I welcome the turning point within the universe to bless my quiet microcosmic realm.  And I celebrate the shift within to honor all that comes with gracious preservation, and bold renovation within my home.

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